Tuesday, September 25, 2007

How to Get Published - Lesson #1:
You will never find an agent on Craigslist. Not ever.

Okay, I was all ready to settle down for the season premiere of Law & Order: Mariska Hargitay's One Hot Smart Chick (And, Oh, Look! She Cut Her Hair Again!), but then Melicitlu forwarded me this gem of a posting from Craigslist:
Reply to: gigs-432119871@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-25, 7:24PM

Hi There. I wrote a whole shitload of new books, but I need an agent to help me push them. Please send me an email if you are interested in making a ton of money by publishing any or all of these gems. Thanks!

"The desert island was freezing now and Captain Robert was realizing just how foolish a decision it had been to use the last of the matches to light the crate of fireworks the crew had salvaged from the wreck. It seemed an odd choice for a morale booster when you stopped to consider that it had been lighting crates of fireworks that had led to the ship's sinking in the first place. Captain Robert tried to address his men about finding dinner, but the crew's attention was on a deckhand who had created a super-bottle rocket by twisting the wicks of four regular bottle rockets together. By noon the next day, the entire crew was dead."

-- From chapter 11 of my novel, "High Seas Adventure!"

"Frank couldn't believe that the angry mob had the audacity to call him "insensitive." Especially after he had just spent five minutes apologizing to them for accidentally killing what Frank estimated to be about twenty-five hundred dollars worth of people."

- From chapter 214 of my short story, "The Narcoleptic Truck Driver"

"Job decided to elude the swarm of hornets by hiding under a canoe. Unfortunately, the canoe was really a bunch of hornets that had pressed their bodies together to look like a canoe."

- From the Book of Job, in my latest book, "The Bible 2: The Mystery of Barbeque Island"

"It wasn't until they were completely lost that the "Sherpa" informed Bill that he was really just an ex-carnival worker who had been deported from the United States. Bill was furious, but suddenly he had a vision of his carnival-savvy guide fashioning snow into edible cotton candy. Bill asked his guide about this, but the man only laughed as he explained how cotton candy requires sugar and a machine to process it. It hurt, but Bill remained optimistic. "Surely this man must possess some type of carnival-related antics that can help us on this mountain," Bill wondered. However, the grizzled old Carney had nothing to offer to their worsening situation. The tiny man was later thrown from the mountain when he lost his footing showing Bill the different patterns of the Tilt-a-Whirl."

- From chapter 1 of book 1 of my trilogy, "The Return to Completely Undiscovered Mountain"

"Jeremy hadn't been snooping. He was just looking for a stapler to borrow from Ron's cubicle when he noticed the email pop up on his coworker's computer monitor. At lunch, Jeremy confronted him about the message, but Ron tried his best to downplay it. "You can't be serious," said Ron. "I get those emails all the time. Heck, everyone does. I assure you, they mean nothing." Whether Ron was telling the truth or not was insignificant at that point. It was clear to Jeremy that his recent internet relationship was not as monogamous as he'd thought. "Just who was hotbigtits69," Jeremy wondered? "And how many other men had she invited to view her steamy shower cam?""

- From Chapter 12 of my novel, "The Functional Moron"

Thanks! Tom Oatmeal www.myspace.com/tomoatmeal

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $500

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/wrg/432119871.html
For even more amusement, click onto the guy's Myspace page above, where his personal statement reads: "All I eat is sugar. Everything excites me including the pronunciation of the word, "Excite." If I drink anything that isn't loaded with sugar, I'll puke all over my nuts!"

Ah, Craigslist! What did we ever do for entertainment before you were invented?

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