Wednesday, September 5, 2007

The Pharmacist vs. The Queen of TMI

Once upon a time, La Gringa went to a Duane Reade drugstore to pick up a prescription and a couple of chocolate Power Bars (she was often mocked for her love of chocolate Power Bars, which she mistakenly thought tasted like Tootsie Rolls).

A miracle occurred during this visit to Duane Reade: La Gringa found a competent Duane Reade pharmacist. But this story is not about that miracle. No, this story is about what happened when The World's Only Competent Duane Reade Pharmacist (tm) battled The Queen of Too Much Information. (Echo echo echo echo!)

The Players:
  • The World's Only Competent Duane Reade Pharmacist (tm) (hereafter to be known as Pharmacist Guy), an extremely tall and somewhat scruffy-looking pasty-faced guy wearing a white jacket with sleeves that are too short.
  • The Queen of Too Much Information (hereafter to be known as TMI Chick), a bird-like waif of a twenty-something, wearing midriff baring strappy tank top and short-shorts that have become far too familiar with the crack of her ass.
TMI Chick: (barging in front of three other customers, waving purple cardboard box containing some kind of cough syrup) "I needa ask a question! I needa ask a question! Can I ask you a question?"

Pharmacist Guy: (who is helping someone else) "I'll be right with you."

TMI Chick: (pushing aside other customer) "I just gotta ask him a question, 'kay? Oh, hey, can I ask you a favor, lady? Can you swipe your Duane Reade card for me? I forgot mine."

Other Customer: "! @$%$#@!" (walks away quickly)

Pharmacist Guy: "Okay, how can I help you?"

TMI Chick: (waves purple cough syrup box at pharmacist) "This says it's for kids. Is it just for kids? I mean, like, I could use it, right?"

Pharmacist Guy: "Well, how old are you?"

TMI Chick: "Twenty-three."

Pharmacist Guy: "You should probably get the adult version of this -" (starts to explain the difference in dosages for cough syrup; gets cut off)

TMI Chick: "But I could take this one, right?"

Pharmacist Guy: "Well, are you coughing?"

TMI Chick: "Oh, yeah! Like alla time? See I just quit smoking and um, like, when I walk or run, but mostly just, like all time, see? Like I cough? A lot?" (yes, there is a visible question mark at the end of every sentence)

Pharmacist Guy: "Okay, do you have a cold?"

TMI Chick: "No, it's just like, wow? A lot of phlegm? And, ya know, snot? It comes up when I cough?"

Pharmacist Guy: "A lot of phlegm. Do you have a history of sinus problems?"

TMI Chick: "Yeah, like SNOT? Alla time? And it's green. And sometimes it comes out my nose? And like, big loogies, too?"

Pharmacist Guy: "You may have a sinus infection. You should probably see your doctor. But in the meantime, this (points at the purple box) probably won't help."

TMI Chick: "Yeah, like ya think? Sinus infection? Wait -" (pulls something out of her pocket) "Oh, hey! Lookit? Does this help? I saved this when I blew my nose?" (opens snot-filled tissue and shoves it under Pharmacist Guy's face - Pharmacist Guy backs up abruptly) "Oh, and - lookit?" (points to crusty substance on side of nostrils) "This is from when I blew my nose, too! Is that infection stuff?"

Pharmacist Guy: (visibly cringing) "Ah, um...
Whereupon La Gringa - trying to control her gag reflex - drops the Power Bars and flees the pharmacy in horror, thereby enabling her to avoid the conclusion of the conversation.

7 comments:

Idgie @ the "Dew" said...

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Anonymous said...

This is why I would never live in New York.
SSB

writtenwyrdd said...

OMG that is hilarious as well as totally disgusting. I shall have to write that idiot character some day.

La Gringa said...

The horror! The horror!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Thanks for that one.

-nathan

Maggie Stiefvater said...

HAHAHA - I was gone after "loogey."

Stacey Graham said...

Well there's visual that won't go away soon. *takes a swig of cough syrup*

I'll see you in therapy, Ms. Lindsay.