Saturday, October 31, 2009

We have a Bloom County winner!!!

Okay, my bad! I kept forgetting to actually pick a winner for my Bloom County contest! But after reading and re-reading and laughing my head off a LOT, we finally do have a winner!

Paul Neuhardt, your FTC disclaimer was my favorite, and will live on in infamy on The Swivet and hopefully help keep the FTC off my ass. Therefore, YOU are the winner of a brand-new copy of Bloom County: The Complete Collection, Volume One: 1980-1982, courtesy of Diamond Book Distributors and IDW.

And here's Paul's disclaimer:
DISCLAIMER: Be it known by all here reading that the following may or may not be the case in any given book review I post:

1. If I talk about a book, I might have gotten it for free from someone with a vested interest in the success of that book. On the other hand, I might have found it abandoned in the seat pocket in front of me during my last plane trip. I’ll try to let you know on a case by case basis.

2. If that aforementioned someone who gave me the book is deluded enough to think that my blog constitutes anything even remotely resembling “a force” in publishing, then there is the serious chance that my free book was worth every penny I paid for it and I’m unlikely to talk about it anyway. Just saying...

3. Publishers and authors, I will be happy to shill for you, but you better pony up cash. Lots of cash. All the free stuff I get is reviewed with what turns out to be my honest opinion, meaning if I think it’s crap, I’ll call it crap. Oh yeah, if you do pay me for the review, I’m going to mention that factoid by saying something like, “I read this fabulous book the other day, which I would never have known about if the publisher hadn’t sent me on an all-expenses paid holiday to a secluded tropical island, allowing me to read my complimentary copy on the beach in peace.”

4. Readers, until you see me tooling around in a BMW that is unexplainable by the income from my day job (and all BMW's meet this condition) you will know that I’m telling you what I think about the book, no matter how the damn thing ended up in my grubby mitts. (See Item 3 above for clarification on why this is so.)

5. FTC-type people, if this isn’t a good enough disclaimer for you, then you need to get a life. The IRS is happy with me, and they are notorious for being the grumpiest agency in our government that isn’t in the spy business. Who are you to think you know better than the IRS?

6. I could have said all this in far fewer words, but dealing with the federal government is like dealing with my seventh-grade English teacher: High word count rules, and bullshitting is allowed. There, I threw you FTC guys another bone and made this really long so it looks all official. Sorry about the IRS remark, fellas. That one was cold, I admit.
Congratulations, Paul, and thanks for playing!


KD said...

*applauds!* A most deserving and excellent winner! Enjoy your prize, sir!

Anonymous said...

This disclaimer is a thing of beauty, I must say.

Deb Salisbury said...

A brilliant disclaimer, Paul!

Anonymous said...

Thank you! I checked in this morning and was quite happily surprised to have won. And honored. Did I mention honored?

Now, if I review the Bloom County book on my blog, do I have to mention how I got it? Time to write another disclaimer, methinks.

ryan field said...

Darn. Now my disclaimer looks pretty sorry compared to this.

Portuguese cunt said...

That post was fantastic. And he's right about the IRS. Ah, The FTC can suck it.

Anonymous said...

I received the book a few days ago. I am now in pain, for I had almost forgotten how funny Bloom County was.

Berkley Breathed and I arrived at Texas Tech University at almost the same time in 1980, he because of the publication of Bloom County in the school newspaper and I because I matriculated there. I feel in intellectual lust with his work then. I still feel the same way, even if he did attend The University Of Texas (a fine school, but I wish the Red Raiders beat them at football a bit more often).

Thank you again, Colleen.