I received a query from a gentleman in Canada who compared himself to Alan Hollinghurst and Edmund White (two authors whom I love, incidentally). Unfortunately, the query was vague about anything else to do with the book and did not attach any pages for me to read, so it was clear he hadn't followed submission guidelines. Thus, he received my standard form rejection:
Thank you for your query. I'm afraid that your book isn't right for me at this time and I'm going to pass. Please keep in mind, however, that the publishing business is a subjective one and this is only one agent's opinion. There may very well be another agent out there for whom your work would be a better fit.
Due to the sheer volume of queries I receive on a daily basis, I regret that I am unable to give you a personalized reply or offer any additional feedback on your query.
All the best,
Colleen
In response to my polite form rejection letter - and you have to admit, this is a polite form rejection, right? - I received the following diatribe. I haven't redacted the author's name, because I think that other agents might want to know just what they'd be dealing with if they chose to represent this writer:
Colleen Lindsay:
Thank you for making it clear, through your response to my query, that you are unquipped (sic) to represent fiction writers who are working at the very highest level today.
Best of luck with your list of minor writers, third-rate writers, irrelevant writers, non-writers.
You lose, silly woman.
Patrick Roscoe
No, Mr. Roscoe.
You lose. You lose because you've proven that you are incapable of behaving as a professional writer. So congratulations, Mr. Roscoe. You just got the fifteen minutes of fame you've been so desperately seeking. I do hope that you're happy with it. I know I am.
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UPDATE! Another note from Mr. Roscoe!Colleen Lindsay:
Your most recent message to me was deleted without being read.
(Note: I am unclear as to what he is referring, other than possibly the auto-responder he probably got for not following submission guidelines.)
Your initial absurd email made it clear that you could have nothing intelligent or perceptive to say to me.
You've missed a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, babe.
Perhaps you should consider a career change: selling used cars might be a more appropriate profession for someone of your lack of acuity.
Patrick Roscoe
Awwwww! He called me
babe! *blush*